angry

August 8, 2009

i am so angry with you.
it’s been months now and i still feel like you just cut and run, with no explanation to me.
i am okay, my life is good, i am happy and i have a lovely new job, i’m going back to the city i love.
but then a little part of what we had comes into my head. you’re songs are on a podcast and i listen to them. hope.
i have lost any for you and i.
the thing that makes me angry is how hard you fought for me the last time you went through a depression. was that because i wasn’t there. is the thought of me just better than me actually being there?
why do you find it so easy to fall out of love with me?
do i just not live up to what i seem to be?
you know, all of that makes me realise, i deserve more than that.
i am a good person. i am loving. i am understanding and open. i deserve someone who can recognise that. and you clearly don’t. i deserve someone who treats me with respect. and you don’t have respect for me. you only cared about my feelings when there was something that you wanted in it.
you gave me everything i wanted and then stole it away, again.
what you have done to me is very cruel. you have broken my spirit, again.

i don’t understand.

i am trying so bloody hard. to be understanding, to look after myself and forget about you. to understand that something really terrible is happening to you.

but when did you try and give me that same understanding? to consider me in your actions.

you cut me out of your life as if i had never mattered, again.

why is it so very easy for you to go on as if i had never been a part of it?

i hate you. i hate what you have done to me. i wish i had never believed you again. i wish i hadn’t given you another chance. i’ve lost my faith in love, you did that. i’ve lost my trust in people. i’m hurting.

but you know what. stuff you. get raffled. i am done.

i tried to ask you to be my friend but you can’t be bothered with that, it’s always on your terms and i am so fed up of you making me feel second rate.

i’m not.

i’m better than this.

i am going to pick myself up and dust myself off. be strong, for that is all i know.

please try and take this on board and don’t do this to someone else.

i do love you, i don’t want to. i am not in love with you anymore. how can i be? you are rotten to me.

i’m scared i wont be able to let someone else in. but i will, in time.

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and i’m so sad. but i am strong and i need to make myself more at peace with who i am and this world we live in.

i want to approach life like there will be rainbows everyday but without the lack of a rainbow breaking my heart.

share my love. share the rainbows.

it’ll be worthwhile. i know it will.

i never stopped loving you. i wont. i will trust you more and more each day. but for now i have to keep a certain level of restraint. i probably don’t even exercise that but i try. i am scared of losing you. more scared than i have been of losing anything. i love being a part of your family. they are great and i feel welcomed. but i missed them last time too. i don’t feel quite like part of it all again yet. because the last time i lost all that too. every relationship and friendship is tentative. nothing is forever. i think we are for always though. i hope so.

i changed so much to be with you. i am still straightening out my life. i am too scared of making my life our life and then having to start again, again.

sorry if i am sometimes distant. i am struggling. but i am getting there. i am being me. i am loving you and you are loving me. thank you for that. it will forever be the best thing.

now these are the things i want to get excited about.

i want to get married to you.

i want to have children.

i want to live with you in our home. i want to build a life with you.

these are the things i am refraining myself from at the moment. but they are seeping through. and my happinessis firmly rooted.

i love you.

loneliness

May 21, 2009

when you are feeling down you stop telling me that you love me, does that mean that you stop loving me?

you always need space away from me. it’s like you can’t wait to get away from me. i think i know you love me and you don’t want for me not to be around.

i ask too much from you?

i feel so lonely. i am so sad and i don’t really know why. i am struggling with ongoing depression and anxiety. it hasn’t gone away, i only became busier and didn’t have time to address it. then you are down and i feel responsible, like i asked you for too much and i made you break.

i’m scared that when you feel like that you give up on us. i hate that i don’t hear from you then when i call you you don’t ask me how i am. you belittle my feelings by making me feeling as though yours will always be worse and i feel as though i shouldn’t complain.

i don’t feel as though my depression is as bad as yours, that doesn’t make it any less valid.

i don’t really ask you for anything, i would like more time with just us but you would like more time with just you. i feel so alone and when you say what you really want is just to be alone it makes me feel like i am offending you. that is really unfair. you are offending me by compaining about having too much to do. you chose that. you have a loving family, loving friends who want to be around you, a job with people around all the time. i do have a loving family, but i am so sad about michael that it makes me so jealous the easiness you have with yours. i have nice friends but lately with the two i considered my best friends gone, and it’s not because i want them to be my best friends but i feel like i don’t have that really close bond with anyone. i am just a kind of hanger-on friend.

i know a lot of this is my fault. i fucked up. it’s not your fault. you have been amazing to me. i don’t deserve it.

i am sorry. i love you.

missing you

May 21, 2009

my dear boy,  i am drifting today, without purpose, searching for a meaning to push me forward.

i miss you. i just want you to hold me in your arms. we could have a good chat about confusion. it wouldn’t go away but we’d figure a way through it.

losing sand

January 10, 2009

Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.
Kaleel Jamison

my backwards walk

July 9, 2008

you never knew i loved you?

i thought no one would ever love me.

now we both love each other and we told each other and it seems almost too good to be true.

i am so scared of being too happy in case it all fucks up again. i love you too much i think. i want to proclaim about how we are so together and that nothing can ever tear us apart. only it did.

once whilst listening to joy division you said i hope love doesn’t tear us apart. i think it might have. but now it has sewn us back together and it is so so lovely like a beautiful patchwork.

surround yourself with the people that you love.

you told me that would be the title to your album. that it was a good thing to do. i took it as an indirect way of saying you don’t love me, you don’t surround yourself with me. now you do, you did.

plesae don’t leave me again. we can work through anything. i hope we have shown each other that.

break

June 23, 2008

i have been thinking a lot about this song. revisitng old emails and letters and thoughts.

then i realised none of that matters, of course it all matters but it matters in such a way that it makes us who we are. and who we are is what makes life so special.

i can’t wait to hear you play it tomorrow night. i might cry, but through the tears will be happiness beyond any of the sadness of the past.

with all my smiles and kisses, i love you. xxx

here we go again

July 8, 2007

This might seem like a random email to receive from me and apologies if it is unwelcome.  Don’t worry it’s not serious.  You have been on my mind for a couple of days and I think I just need to get it out.  I always found talking to you about the issues here very comforting and I think I miss that.  Some similar things have been happening as happened last year and they brought up some feelings that I didn’t really want.  When things are bad here it reminds me of the last time and how I got through that by thinking of you.  I used to feel okay when I thought that soon we would be together again.  Now we wont ever be together again and I am having these feelings and I don’t know how to control them.  I miss you so much.  I know this is ridiculous and I will get through it.  And don’t get me wrong I am so happy on my own and I am not trying to ask you for anything.

Sometimes I just want so badly to tell you how I am feeling.  You have a way of making it seem alright and comforting me that I am doing the right thing when I am a bit lost.  I feel so lost today.  This morning I had the worst panic attack I have had since I came here.  At first I had none but the past week they have come back and are getting worse.  I am so scared they will never go away.  I can control it and I don’t think anyone notices but it feels like I am going to die.  I don’t even know what I am so scared of.  We are having a difficult time with the project but that has to be expected.  I am feeling a lot of pressure but I put it on myself.  There are expectations of me here that I think are beyond my capabilities.  I feel like a fraud.  I have promised people help.  Promised my life to help them.  But it isn’t enough.  Every time I concentrate on myself I feel as though I am being incredibly selfish.

I met someone last week.  And spent a lot of time with him.  Talking about silly things, nothing too serious.  It was really great – to get away from things.  But now he is gone.  I feel so guilty for taking that time away.  Like I have disappointed everyone.  Not least myself.

I think I am just a selfish person.  I only want to do these things to make myself feel better.  I only want to do anything to make myself feel better.  So that people might like me more.  But I really want someone to like me, not because of what i do or who i try to be.  because of who i am.  i don’t want people to say, what a great person you are or you do wonderful things.  i want them to love me regardless.  i someone to say i love you no matter what you do or who you try to be.  i love you because of you.  i am scared of this never happening.  people admire what i do, they think i am a bit crazy, no one quite understands it.  no one quite gets me.  that’s what it feels like.

how fucking self indulgent.  i hate myself for these feelings.  i hate that what everyone thinks i am is not what i really am.  but if they new they would never like me, respect me, love me and then what would i be left with.  nothing.  that is why i want someone who loves me regardless.  i thought i had it.  for a split second.  then you took it all away, and then some.

i am not blaming you for any of this.  although i understand this is how would take it if i were to ever send this.  which i wont.  because no matter what.  i will always feel this for you.  because i love you.  no matter what you do.  i love you.  i don’t want to.  i hate it.  i hate these feelings.  i don’t hate you.  i can’t.  i try to.  i wont ever stop loving you.  wishing that i was with you.  i think my heart will never stop hurting for you.

this is so hard.  when others are feeling sad for their boyfriends i feel horrible.  i can’t deal with it anymore.  i know i am being selfish but fuck it, my heart is hurting for you and it feels like it will never go away.  i need out.  i need an escape.  here goes….

i love you.

those three words i longed to hear.  for years i wanted to be loved.  or so i thought.  so why? when people start to try and find closeness with me do i do the above.  run away.  i am so scared.  but what am i scared of?

is it cause i never met the right person?  will it feel right instantly?  or will i have to work at it with someone that feels right just i don’t feel right.  i don’t.  why can’t i let people in?

keep them at a distance then i am in control.  in control of my happiness.  in control of my life.  in control of the running.  it is easier this way.

i am too scared.  fuck.  what have you done to me?  it shouldn’t be this hard.  should i give it go?  should i face my fears?  or shy away for a while until i feel better in myself…  is it because i don’t need anyone?  i haven’t missed that feeling for a while.  in saying that it’s less than one month since i had it.

have i conditioned myself to deal with this hurt by blocking any of these feelings?  by opening myself to them am i opening old wounds as well as new?

one thing is clear to me.  i am feeling sad.  i feel like him. bastard.  frustration.  confusion.

stop thinking about it.

run away.